Let’s first go back to year 1 – story time.

I will never get over this real life story from my early days being here. I was on the train going out with friends one night and it was myself, two girlfriends and one other guy seated across from us on an otherwise empty train for a few stops. At 125th, another man gets on with a cart. He didn’t seem to be mentally settled but no big deal. Keep in mind we’re on the A, an express train not stopping again until we reach 59th street. Not even a full minute after we pull off, the man with the cart begins to pull out large plastic tarps and begins lining the bench next to him. Pulls out tape, and puts on rubber gloves using the tape to seal it. My friend nudges me to notice and we both see he has some miscellaneous sprays as well. I’ll let your imagination run as mine did. I DEAD THOUGHT THIS WAS THE END. WE WERE ABOUT TO BECOME AN EPISODE OF LAW & ORDER SVU. We made eye contact with the first guy who was our age and we subtly nodded to each other. Longest 8 minutes of my life. Thank God we reached 59th and RAN off of the train. We caught our breath laughing a little at how crazy that ride was and went our separate ways. As my two girlfriends and I are later approaching the club there’s this insane line and we’re like oh man this may not be the move tonight. Then this guy starts waving at us. Turns out our survival buddy from the train is the promoter at the club that night and he was like “oh my gosh wild train ride right??! Get in here!” He set us up in VIP with bottle service. Said we deserved it for surviving. LOL ONLY IN NEW YORK.  It was incredible. Though it was one night out, sharp and sweet, this night was a microcosm of my ten years in NY. 

And what a unique space of time it’s been. 

It feels like both an eternity and a wink. The first year was  about getting my city legs and understanding the waves and flow of the city. Every taste, smell, direction, view, sound, ride, is new. Each morning an opportunity to set out and conquer all because people come here running to (or away) from what was to evolve into what will be. And like the sand slipping through an hourglass, one day you look up and it’s your tenth year. While there are still many things to be discovered because New York has a way of being endless, I know that here anything is possible here whilst being made acutely aware of my own shortcomings.  There is a shielding and sharpening by this wild place.

Let me cook for a minute.

Shielded in that you’ve stepped into this bubble. The surface, luminous with possibility. Inside, there is this brilliance and shimmer of everything that could be. Pumped full of wonder and delight. Sharpened in that bubbles are delicate, so easily  pierced externally. By the very real presence of darker realities, forever calculating a plan. Training your mind and body to be aware of your surroundings, taking nothing for granted. There’s a special balance you learn here. Filling yourself with purpose and being grounded in who you are while not becoming pricked with compromise and comparison.  Even with all the different people you meet, places you go, and the differences and crossovers between boroughs, there really is only one degree of separation and most importantly, reflection. For me, all it took was one word. 

I was described as “resilient” this past birthday and it surprisingly really stuck with me. I’m not sure I would have described myself as resilient when I first got here.

Passionate – sure, persistent (read annoyingly willing) yes, but not resilient. I would’ve hoped for it maybe, but not sure I would’ve seen it fully in me. But this being my tenth year in one of the largest cities in the world, maybe I am more resilient than I would’ve given myself credit for. Train survivor, right? Cautious but optimistic. Nervous but willing to stay. Uncertain but committed. You see how the wondering outweighs the wandering? Little Leesh would’ve backed off and turned tail home.  

Early on in my childhood, I was anxious over everything and incapable of being anywhere by myself. I used to bite my nails down to aching nubs perpetually picking and fearing. About what?  I’m not completely sure, but I knew early on I needed Jesus as my steady rock and ever present help. Only Jesus can light up the darkness full of negative ‘what-ifs’. He came to save and settle everything. It’s not up to me to hold everything together. Or always find my way, because Jesus has promised to be with me. There is nowhere I will be that He hasn’t already been. To the little girl full of worry, gnawing on a cuticle, looking for safety in familiarity, come close and see how far we’ve come. You may not know it yet, but you’re resilient, or rather, you will become it.

In middle school, we went to school on the opposite side of town. In high school I chose to go to a school in another direction. In college I decided why not another state altogether. Upon reflecting back now on the sands of time that has passed over the years here, I now realize that the bread crumbs and moments of doubt in my life have actually been seeds of curiosity planted deep within me that the Lord used the Holy Spirit to water. The fear that sought to cripple was/is a distraction to set me off from what God has called me to become.

God has allowed me to experience the textures of His sovereignty here.

Texture is the feel, appearance, or consistency of a surface or substance. At times, his sovereignty has felt coarse. The sandpaper used to remove several layers of rust from an old bike. And other times, it’s been silky. Smooth and soft, gently painting in the lines of my life. I have slept on air mattresses, couches, and borrowed beds. I have worked hourly, salary, for charity, for connections, all day and night. I have had a room, roommates, shared spaces and now my own. I have had luxury meals and dollar slices. I have seen the ball drop and sunrises on rooftops glittered with champagne. I have had to choose between bills. I have swiped my metrocard knowing there wasn’t enough on it and gotten through. I have seen miracles here. Planted a church. I have had little and prayed for increase. 

I have been sanctified here.

Like that sand from the hourglass. Only this time the sand being heated into glass. Reflecting the Son, being carved into crystal. Transitioning from one shape to another. I have had to sacrifice relationships to seek after what God has called me too. I have experienced heartbreak and been humbled. I have seen God’s hands recalibrate, redefine, reorder my steps. Experienced the shifts of divine movements.

“But this I call to my mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness”.

Lamentations 3:21-23

I write this for yall, but also as a reminder to myself, especially now as I wait on God, that it is He who begins and sees everything to completion. He is faithful. Even more when we can’t quite make sense of what’s to come. Reflect and remind yourself of all He has done in and through you. I was reminded on a call with other leaders and friends the other day, “You can still be in the will of God and it still looks like turmoil. Even the Israelites went to the promised land and giants still inhabited their future. Give God thanks, AND be honest. “God I don’t believe right now because of what I’m experiencing”. When you are tempted to wander, instead wonder. With God, with friends, with family. Allow your community to pour life into that which seeks to overwhelm and turn into a fire that shapes. We only get hourglasses if some of that sand is refined into glass.  God will give fresh breath to the things you have long forgotten on the shelf of ‘later’. And if you do wander off, shattered by reality, begin anew.  There is still living to do. Your life is a miracle. Maybe over the past decade you’ve lost some of your sparkle, settling into the shadows like sediment. Awake O sleeper! This is a new season. As the earth awakes from it’s seasonal rest, you are to wake up too. I see new pink blooms on a tree out front daily. New buds bubbling forth because their time is now.

Be confident in this, say it with me:

I am not alone, God has not forsaken me.

I have been kept in my right mind by the power of the Holy Spirit.

The same God that is with me has also gone before me.

If God has called me to it, He will equip me for it.

I mean more than the temporal defeat or disappointment.

Doubt is a distraction.

I have survived and thrived.

I will not aimlessly wander, instead I will remember I have been planted.

I have been shielded and sharpened.

I am passionate.

I am persistent. 

I am resilient

And, I am shining.

Now say it again sis – Love you

happy ten !